The Dunns [dot] C.A.

Today, I received a note in the mail from my bank. The bank where I’ve done virtually all of my business for the better part of twenty years. I was even employed there at one time. Anyway, I’ve taken the liberty of translating this latest correspondence into easier-to-understand language:

>Dear Mr. D,
>
>I’m writing to you today to let you know about a change to your
>banking services that might affect you.

I’ve recently been promoted to Head of Payments & Banking Services, and it has come to my attention that you’ve been getting away with something.

>In the past, we may have waived your fees on the purchase of
>Money Orders, Drafts or Single Signature Travellers Cheques, even
>though these services were not included as part of your current
>RBC account or other bank product.

Someone once thought you were a valued client and saw fit to throw in a few added perks to make you feel special. You’re not.

>As of July 24, 2010, however, standard charges will be applied:
>$6.50 per Money Order or Draft and 1% of the total amount for
>Single Signature Traveller’s Cheques.

As you may know, our sector has taken a hit lately, and we must do whatever it takes to nickel and dime our way back to eye-popping profitability. You know, like when we charge you close to 40 bucks for a book of cheques that we used to give away (they ARE gold-plated, after all).

>If these features are important to you, I invite you to consider a banking
>package that includes these, and other money-saving features for one flat
>monthly fee. The RBC Signature No Limit Banking or RBC VIP Banking accounts
>are all inclusive packages which offer benefits such as unlimited debit
>transactions and fees waived(1) at non-RBC ATMs.

We tried to re-jig our banking packages to make more money, but we kind of screwed up that last time. We didn’t think you’d actually figure out how to get free transactions. Oops. (1)Many conditions apply.

>For advice on which of these banking accounts best suits your everyday
>banking needs, simply visit your branch, call us 1-800 ROYAL 1-1 or
>visit our website at and use our Account Selector Tool.

You’ll need an inconvenient appointment, but why not speak with one of our new hires about something they know little about. I’d give you my number, but I’ve got a tee time booked.

>We appreciate your business, and thank you for choosing RBC Royal Bank.
>If there’s anything we can do to be of service, please do not hesitate to
>contact us.

We’re pretty sure we won’t lose you as a customer over this, since it’s such a hassle to move banks and we all know those other guys are just as bad. And to be honest, please don’t call.

>Yours truly,
>Doug Collins